Sunday, July 3, 2011

Trendspotting - Menswear 2012 - Fancy Pants

I have a few tips, boys.

  1. If your bikini bottom has a 2 inch inseam, you're basically letting us know that you have a lot to overcompensate for.  
  2. If your bikini comes with a matching shrug, and it's not Pride parade, you doing life wrong.
  3. Underpants go under your pants. And that applies to bathing suits that look like they came in a Fruit of the Loom 5 pack, and have been thru the ringer a few too many times. Dingy diapers are not cute.
  4. I have nothing but awe for a man who can rock 5 different prints in 2 items of clothing. More is more! But the sandals with socks? Really?
  5. Pleather bikini with gladiator type jewelry. I don't even have to say anything.
  6. Very cute, but if your adorable speedo looks too much like the underoos you wore when you were four, you might want to get them in the boxer/brief cut.

  1. We ladies shouldn't have to feel like Goldilocks when it comes to picking out your jeans. But here's a perfect example. The acid wash Mugler jeans? Too low, and horribly fitting. That boy has a muffin top and that's not cute. 
  2. The Cavalli "I'm not sure if they're jeans" jeans? Did we not learn from the Mom Jeans? Dad Jeans aren't any better. Your jeans should not cover your belly button and definitely not your rib cage!
  3. Just right. Canadian boys know how to make jeans!
  1. If your skinny jeans would look better on your girlfriend, conveniently leave them at her place.
  2. Just don't. A sports jacket with a denim shirt, then faded jeans with an inseam that reminds me of MC Hammer? Where is this man going? Back to his cardboard box under the freeway after "shopping" at the foodbank? Someone help him.
  3. So simple. Slim fitting jeans, lower inseam. No cross-dressing or homeless vibes.
How much denim is too much denim?
  1. The only thing you should wear is the jacket. No one should ever wear cuffed jean shorts that end at the mid thigh. You are not Debbie Gibson. And the jacket? I think it's fug, but on it's own, I won't cross the street to avoid being seen with you.
  2. It all needs to go. I get it. The 80s are back. But that inseam does nothing for anyone.
  3. There. Referencing the 80s while still looking fresh. With denim, less is always more!
Let's leave the animal prints to the ladies, shall we? That crocodile stripe on what looks like micro-suede? That makes you look like some dude on To Catch A Predator.  The tigers all over your jeans? Well, do you, but you better WORK to carry it off.  And I love Tisci's madness, but birds of paradise splattered all over your pants? Too high concept. You guys are just trying too hard.

I love men in stripes - if the stripes are on a jaunty sailor shirt. On pants, you look like you belong in a circus, in a prison, on a pirate ship or a mental hospital. Quit it, boys.

Embellishment is for your resume, not your pants.

These are the pants of no redemption. That is all.

1 comment:

  1. I needed this laugh. Oh my word. But I like my pants.


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